Muse - Part 1

Psalm 77:1-2


"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me."


When is the last time you cried...to God even, with your voice?  What did it feel like?  What does a crying of ones voice and tears intermingling, sound like?  Look like? I think of my little boy who is 4yrs. old, and what it looks like when he cries out from his place of pain, sadness...it's with abandon!  Who do you go to first when you feel that need?  Is it God?  


This speech pours forth great intention.  In the Amplified Bible it states it this way; "I will cry out..."; Intention that is unwavering.  Listen then to the faith he cry's out to God with; "He will give ear..."  


The Message version states it this way, "I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs.  He listens."


When is the last time we went to God even in our worst of moments, yelling out to Him, with such a conviction that we say, "He will give ear?"


What kind of relationship must one have with someone, to go crying, knowing the person WILL listen?  Do you have that kind of relationship with God?  Can you just go to Him and pour out of your soul, all that lives within?


V.2
"When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted."


When I read this my heart paused...
              "refused to be comforted".  


What?...what is this saying?  I thought this was the point in life where the deep need, in such a place, is to be at least; comforted.  


But, it quickly resonated within me- re-reading this part again; 


"When I was in distress".... 


this really resonates.


I right now feel personally a bit in distress, and I began pondering the times past, I've been distressed, and needing to seek the Lord.  Nights of circumstance that overwhelmed me.  "Untiring hands", reaching up as my only hope to the Heavens. As I turn that over in my mind a bit, I resonate with the idea that sometimes, distress can be so overtaking that; comfort does not come.  Or, sometimes the need is so overtaking, that I dare not tire reaching and stretching up in need to the creator of the universe, for fear that if I do tire; the desperateness of that need- wouldn't be met.  Haven't you ever been in that place, where you just can't risk not being heard by God? Met by God? Delivered from such a place; that you don't relinquish easily?


Until...
V3.  "I remembered..."


I want to stop right there.  How long has it been since you remembered?  Not the pain, the hurts, "the chasm of consequences, circumstances", but really remembered...?


"You O God,...."  When IS...the last time you remembered the God of whom you were pouring out all to?  What is it you remember, if you do stop to do so?  Is it all that you feel He has not done, failed to hear, failed to reveal...


Or is it His unsurpassed enormity of grandeur of which no man can contain?

"And I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint." Selah (this means to pause and think about that)


After the groan...he mused.  Muse: To meditate in silence, to turn something over in the mind meditatively, to wonder, marvel.  When is the last time we have done this?  Not groan, but muse before the Creator of the Universe?  Have we grown faint from such practice?  


I stop daily- several times a day at least; and just marvel at the handiwork's of creation. And I'm not even living in the majestic parts.  Central Ohio is certainly not...majestic by any means.  But it's captivating to me how at the edge of evening play; beneath the autumn ambiance of rustling leaves, scraped across the stretch of a western sky is a painted beauty above power lines and rooftops; that literally stop me in my tracks...utterly awed by the wonder of His creation.  And, I must honestly say...I'm just wired this way.  I can't help but find my gaze more often on the heights above, rather than on the mundane around me.  At least in my neighborhood. 


But before I breath my next breath, I'm challenged to take that awe dropping moment of beauty, and muse- at the possibility of such paintings midst my suffering. My distress. My pain.  I'm challenged to pause often.  Pondering at the wonder of His fingerprints; in the story line of my soul. My life. Just long enough- that my spirit might grow... 


faint.  


Will you pause with me?


Dear God,


It's been a long time for some, since they have cried.  It's been even longer since they have cried out; to You.  Some, the tears are seemingly, frozen.  For someone else, they won't stop.  For some...it's the only place they have found any hope.  And yet others, are still looking for hope.  God, please help those who need to cry...cry.  Help them feel your presence in the midst of the frozen tundra of the soul.  Melt away something of the fear that keeps them, unable to feel.  Lord, for the one who is raising untiring hands...refusing to be comforted, help them remember.  In their groaning's too deep for words, cause their spirit to marvel.  To turn over in it's sense of who You are, that before You, they might muse.  So that, they again might faint, at the beauty of who You are.

In The Hands of The King

"You have some skill with a blade." said Aragorn, drawing his sword as it met with hers.  "Women of this age learned long ago, to fear neither death nor life."  replied Eowyn.  "What do you fear my lady?", asked Aragorn.  "A cage.  To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire." replied Eowyn.  "You are a daughter of kings, a sheildmaiden of Rohan.  I do not think that will be your fate." replied Aragorn.  - The Lord of the Rings; The Two Towers


Have you ever resonated with something so profound, so deep, that it was hard to convey it to someone else in more words than what was already said?  As I sat in the theater, and heard these words...I immediately felt as though this exchange embodied the cavern of circumstance of which I was in. One of them moments where you know...this sword of truth is for you.  


When abandonment falls like an avalanche, it devastates a part of your being in such a way that brings a fragility.  Unknowingly almost, a large piece of who you were, is gone.  The piece that is left, carries a shield, protecting it from further wounding. Be it, swords of death, swords of illness, swords of trauma where the unspeakable of things occurred; you find yourself in a place of both vulnerability and hesitancy.  Eowyn, puts it in the picture of a cage.  To stay behind bars....


Bars of steel...maybe.  But, I think far more reaching in the magnitude of such a place, is the life lived behind bars such as, fear.  Loneliness.  Addiction.  Isolation.  Stifled dreams.  Sadness that is looming in the realm of utter despair.  Hopelessness.  Loss of any direction.  Dreams stolen.  Innocence stolen. Relationships; stolen, bludgeoned, ...demonically intoxicating.  Self-Hatred.  Hate.  Bars like these don't need a actual cage to make it truly a prison...  


For Eowyn, it was the road of abandonment, orphaned by the bloodiness of war...and many things that go with a heart of such experience.  Her Uncle who is a King cares for her, but regrets not having loved her as a father.  In an age where battle was the terrain, her duty of taking care of the women and children, was often the role given to her.  And she feels...something is missing.  Something within her, longs for more.  Something within her, beckons a role to play.  She longs with determined desire to find her calling for this life she is wanting to live.  Filled with passion to fight alongside her kin, she is willing to risk everything, while being met by fate - battle's need to be won, lives need to be saved, evil needs to be destroyed.  




Is it not the case, all great stories tell of something that finds within it, your story as well?  Don't all great stories, beckon a hero, reveal a wounded soul, midst a battle to be won?  Isn't it so that while watching such stories, we finally let out our breath, when that most pivotal moment ends in victory?  I would agree on all statements!  But, I would beg you to ponder, that without the lines of story in between - we would have no story to tell?


Many times, one feels that they have a story to tell, because of what happened to them.  I am learning; that I have a story to tell, because of what occurred between the lines of what happened.  The real story is not in the violation, the victimization, or all the enemy stole.  Rather....all the enemy could not hold back.  The Miraculous. The lines laced with silver, which when pressed between the lines of every story...bring forth- a revealing of gold.


What about you...have you pondered what good has come; the miraculous that is woven in the threads of your story?  


And, yet, I so very much understand if that place for you...is in the rawest of forms right now.  For a season, I was in a coma, where I had felt numb.  I was doing a strength training workout, while I heard the Holy Spirit speak a word to my heart.  "I'm here with you right now, and I'm not going anywhere."  Then, like a movie short, it played in my minds eye.  This is what it was I saw in my minds eye, like a movie clip onscreen.


A room.  Cold. Half lit on one half and dark on the other half.  Dim lights beneath the cabinets in the back of the room, where counter's were filled with a few supplies.  A bed in the front half of the room, where it was dark.  I was laying in the bed in a coma.  And Jesus, sitting in a chair next to me. And again, "I'm not going anywhere."  And the reality that, it was him sitting there rather than my earthly father.  And how my earthly father by what he'd done...was gone a long time ago.  


In that moment for me...that cold cold room of my heart, felt freed to be where I was; in a coma.  And the Father of my heart...came and sat with me.  Spoke to me, and assured me, 'I'm not going anywhere'.

Later in the movie Eowyn has another exchange with Aragorn.  


Listen:
  

Eowyn: My lord! Aragorn!


Eowyn hurries towards Aragorn


Eowyn: <displeased> I'm to be sent with the women into the caves.


Aragorn:  That is an honorable charge.  


Eowyn: To mind the children, to find food and bedding when the men return.  What renown is there in that?


Aragorn: My lady, a time may come for valor without renown.  Who then will your people look to in the last defense?


Maybe you have felt like this; after much battle in life.  Like the role you are left with, is a cage.  It stifles, steals, and leaves you feeling helpless to a much greater call you once thought your life held.  Where perhaps so many around you are all seemingly doing all they ever wanted... except for you.  You feel disqualified.  But Aragorn ask's a stunning and poignant question to Eowyn;

"My lady, a time may come for valor without renown.  Who then will your people look to in the last defense?"

Haven't we all longed for renown to some degree?  That there is a role that only you can play, and you've been replaced? Or that the role you are in, is not very attractive, boring. If you haven't yet, you will.  And so we become caught up then into thinking, nothing we have to offer is of any good, or value.  We begin to find our identity in what we are doing. Our fate; in what we accomplish.  We loose so much of our-self, exchanging the truth for a lie.  Believing a cage, will be our fate.  Believing that the 'smallness' of what we are doing holds nothing impacting for the bigger battle.  But oh...are we so wrong.    

While I heard this exchange between Aragorn and Eowyn,  I was deeply challenged.  Challenged as to what it is, I truly want to set my mind and heart on.  A lie....  Or the truth.  What do we hear Aragorn tell Eowyn the first time:


"you are a daughter of kings, a sheildmaiden of Rohan.  I do not think that will be your fate."


If someone asked, Who are you? what would your reply be?  Would you tell them the truth...or a lie?  


If you are a Daughter of- The King; Jesus Christ,...then what is your fate?  Look at these scriptures with me; and as you do insert your name, if you have The King living inside of you, and if not, then invite Him in that you might say this too then...


Eph. 1:13-14, 18


"...Dawn, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation...  Having believed, you Dawn, were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing your inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession to the praise of His glory. I pray also Dawn,that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you Dawn, may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints.  


John 14:1-3


"Do not let your heart be troubled, Dawn.  Trust in God, trust also in Me.  In My Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you.  I am going there Dawn, to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you Dawn, I will come back and take you Dawn, to be with me that you also may be where I am."


If you are a daughter or son of the Living God, Jesus Christ, then you have a very good ending in the battle of this life, called your story.  And you are part of a bigger story.  You have been given a 'soul tattoo', as a favorite musician of mine sings it...sealed for eternity! A very "unique to you" kind of room we are told, is being prepared as Jesus comforts his disciples, just before he will be leaving them.  He promises "if it were not so, I would have told you.  I am going- there- to... prepare...a...place...for....WHO????  YOU!


In the end...Eowyn, has a role far greater than anything she could have hoped for.  She was called into a battle, a victory, that cost her a grave sacrifice.  She as well, learned much before getting to that place, before that place met her.  She had renown.  She had valor.  And her cage was broken!  Her desire never waned...even though she feared it would.  


We must trust our story; to The King...who will reveal the role we each have to play in this story called; our life. It may at times feel we are caged by circumstance.  Bound behind bars, of battered emotions.  As though a foe much greater is holding us back.  It is in these times; we must heed the truth..."I do not think that will be your fate."


Our future is not; to live behind bars.  To live in a cage.  We will reign as warriors with The King; as Son's and Daughter's.

For we have a King who will never leave our side- through the coma; through the battle's; through the victory's.  We have a story to live.  We have a story to tell.  It is a role, that only you can play. And in between the days of such tragic threads, woven between waning and war, you must know; He is- behind the scenes.  That in the unseen, there is a working on our behalf, a battle being fought... so that all He has intended, might come to pass.


"Therefore, we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So, we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18
   
Dear Savior and King,

It's been a dark night. I did not expect my life story to go this way.  The lines - treacherous.  The losses- an avalanche of circumstance few have known. I too, have felt caged in at times, and I know that You have felt that way too, while suffering on the Cross.  Savior, who endured such a dark night...right now____________, is enduring a dark night.  They are living with___________ and it's brought them into their own coma.  They once felt they had a role in life.  They once felt alive.  And now, they are fighting for breath that gives them life.  Savior, come to them now, and be the breath they need and awaken them with hope.  Savior help us remember like in the great stories, we all have a role.  Help us remember too...you are the hero.  And that whatever happens in between the lines, You are sitting right there in the chair- by my bedside; when it appears the chair is empty.  I've never really realized, I too...long for renown, valor, and even more to not loose the desire for such things.  But remind me Lord, there may be that moment when valor without renown is required.  Help me Savior, to find valor in the dark.  Help me remember that, no role is too small, in your Kingdom.  No act of love, unnoticed.  No darkness, that you are not there.  And that as your daughter- - - my fate is in the hands of The King.  

A room all his own

After a warm playful bath time, we cozy'd into our jammy's and crawled into bed, snuggled closely together. I began to read from The Rhyme Bible my sister had just given me.  After reading most of the New Testament of Jesus life and miracles, I came to the end where Jesus tells the disciples He will send His Holy Spirit after He leaves them, where He then ascends into Heaven.  Just then a quiet sadness washed over Seth.  

As I closed the bible I heard his longing voice say, "Mommy, me".   What is it honey", I asked.  "His body", he replied tenderly.   "Did you want to see Jesus too?" I asked.  "Yes" he replied.  "Oh sweetheart, I so understand your longing to see Jesus face to face.  It's hard to not be able to see him like you see me isn't it honey", I replied.  Slivering my hands gently through his hair he turned himself on his side, making the sounds he makes when wanting to snuggle closely.  Wrapping my arm around him and pulling ourselves close as if in a cocoon, I said "you know what Seth?  Do you know where Jesus went when he left his disciples?  He went to Heaven.  

And you know what he is doing there for you?  He's making a very special room just for you!  What do you think Jesus might be putting in your very special room?"  I asked him.   "Toys", he replied curiously.  "Y-e-e-e-e-s", I replied slowly.  "But do you know what else I think Jesus is preparing in your room for you?...a great big waterfall, near a beautiful big lake with the most amazing colored rocks laying on the beach.  And, sitting right next to you on the beach are these really cool pails for you to fill up...as many as you want.  In that very moment Seth turned his head looking to me with abandoned longing and yearning, while the wonder and smile in his face slowly emerged.  It was as if he felt in that moment a deep unsurpassed sense of surprise, being truly known and held as incredibly special to Jesus.  He didn't say anymore, but turned his head into his pillow in a peaceful sense of calm and assurance.  He was known.

In the blink of his wonder, a whispering thought arose within me- "I'm preparing a room for you too Dawn". As I pondered that, tears began to fall.  I too, in that moment, felt not only did I impart a truth that Seth is known fully by his creator, but that I too am fully known.  I too will be found by Him fully one day, with surprise, wonder and a joy to deep for anything less than abandoned worship before His feet.  But as I considered all that I might say in that moment, sitting at the beach, sifting through rocks that take my breath away in their beauty...it takes my breath away even more, that He knows the deepest part of me, and that He himself created the very things that I love.  Water, Rocks, and all created beauty...and sees me yet, more beautiful. So much so, that He shed his bloody death on a cross for me.

In that moment I began to pray, inviting the Holy Spirit to come and fill the heart of Seth with a deep faith, hope and knowing that Jesus really does knows his heart, and loves him deeply.  That he would fill his dreams this night, with such hope and wonder....all while sitting on a very special beach, in a very special place, created just for him.  All on the shores made pure, in Heaven with Jesus, in a room all his own.

I feel my soul Awakening!

Chris Tomlin sings ...."Like the rising sun that shines, awake my soul, awake my soul and sing, Only You can raise a life, Awake my Soul and sing..."  I've been in love with this song and singing this song for months on end now....perhaps the prayer is springing forth it's fruit.

I'm beginning to sing from a place of Awakening...Dormancy is good for a season, for it renews, reveals, refines... but when new healing springs forth, His awakening cannot be held back...for only Jesus Christ can truly awaken every soul. What is God wanting to awaken in your soul?  Is it a place of comfort; or is it from a place where He has hidden you in the cleft of His leading and freedom?  Maybe it's a place you've never really been, fully? 


Sometimes the comfort we need is not one of human making, but rather of heaven's raining presence amidst a Kerith Ravine.  A place where a stripping and cutting away of broken places inside are being called forth.  Or like a peeler on the skin of an apple. Your ways of what you once knew are being peeled back, so that you are able to awaken into whom He has already seen you to be.  

Are you leaning into the wind of His Holy Spirit's leading?  Are you seeking discernment? Are you searching for what it looks like to walk in unwaivering obedience?  These are the questions I am asking myself? 


A stripping of control is at the root of this awakening.  A cutting away from the lies that, I'm responsible for others feelings, actions and choices, attitudes, values.  It's a hard place to be; when all you've been used to doing, begins this process of cutting.  Especially for a heart that loves to be involved in the healing process.  


But maybe it is just that, my season for healing.  Season for stepping into the right boundary's, so that what needs cutting is cut.  So that the soul in me longing to vibrantly move and sing and worship, in life, word and deed, can truly do so, all in a more healthy way.  

I'm learning real healing and change starts when I repent.  Changing from the way one once did things, to the way God says one should do things.  That's a cutting!  But, like a Pineapple, the outside is firm, hard, tough and very much like a pricker bush....just the wrong rub against your skin and it's going to hurt.  It's a pretty tough exterior!  But oh the sweetness of it's intended purpose inside, at it's core...divine!  But, to get to that core, a major cutting must occur.  There is no way around that!  So many times, people don't want the journey of that cutting.  They try and be what they claim to be on the inside, on the outside, all the while living differently.  Life then becomes a bloody mess, hidden behind outter layer's of hardened life experiences.  

Awakening...so much I could share on that word, but for now, I will let this be enough to ponder.  It has been for me. But as my little boy Seth would say....'one more thing mommy".....

Are you willing to go to the Kerith Ravine?

"Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah:  "Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan.  You will drink form the brook and I have ordered the ravens to feed you THERE.  So he did what the Lord had told him to do.  He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed THERE." 
 1 Kings 17:2-5

"Have you considered my servant Job"...

There lived a man named Job.  Job was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil.  He has seven sons and three daughters, and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants.  He was the greatest man among all the people of the East. Job 1:1-3


I began reading Job one night, and began to be struck by many things.  Some of these things I have read much in the past and so was well familiar with.  Such as his being blameless, upright, and all the blessing and wealth of which he had.  But as I continued to read, I began to be just overwhelmed by some of the realities of this story.  And so, I invite you to join me in sharing about Job.


Verse 6-  One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them.  


First, if you know anything about Satan biblically speaking, he was the highest angel in heaven created by God Himself.  But, as we read in Isaiah 14, we see his pride and fall from Heaven.  I am just struck by a few things here.  First, all the angels come and present themselves before God, and along comes Satan to join them.  It's amazing to me that the very one who was cast from the presence of God, wanted to be God himself, decides to come into the presence of God with all the other angels who did not fall.  It begged right away for me, why?  


Verse 7
The Lord said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"  (thought, God is all knowing, yet he asked this question of Satan.  God knows where Satan came from both by way of his creation and therefore knows always his whereabouts.)  Satan answered the Lord, "From roaming throughout the earth and going back and forth in it."


When I read this reply of Satan, it was the most uncanny feeling and idea in me.  Like Satan is saying, well, I was wandering around, looking for my next attack and well, I just thought I would come and inquire with you God, why do you ask?  Or, maybe, Satan knew exactly where and who he was planning his next attack on, but was so aware of the power and hand of God on Job, ...decided to talk with God first about the matter.  Or, just the mere thought of one sooooo evil, making a point to enter into the presence of not just His creator, but the very one in whom all things were created and the very one who holds ultimate and complete power.  It is unreal to me to think of having such evil and still coming into the presence of God, being Satan himself, to inquire with God.  I'm struck too at the idea of how Satan was just roaming...looking, calculating for his next victim.


But then we read this:
Verse 8
"Then the Lord"....wo wo wo, stop right there, who?  The Lord????  "said to Satan, "Have you - considered - my - servant - Job?"  Look at that verse...what is one to do with that????


I must say right here, I am not about to tackle in a way that claims to know or have the answer to some of the hard questions about God...I have not His wisdom to the ways He brings about His purposes...for we read in Isaiah 55:7-9 "Let the wicked forsake their ways and the unrighteous their thoughts. Let them turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on them, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. For My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."


However, God is volunteering Job to Satan, almost as if to say, why Satan, why haven't you considered my servant Job?.  God shows us clearly too that Job is "My servant".  God's servant.  Have you ever felt like or wondered if maybe Satan got permission to mess with your life?  I surely have.  And then, what do I do with such wondering's?  


But that is not all God tells Satan...He doesn't just ask him if he has considered, but then gives him even more reason for that considering, listen:
..."There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."  It's like God is giving Satan a sales pitch...or like he's giving a closing statement at an election ceremony, as to why you should pick "that guy".  He is completely singling Job out amongst all of mankind living on the earth at this point....I mean what is God thinking here...?  What is going on?  Huge pondering moment for me here...


But then, we get Satan's reply...listen:
"Does Job fear you for nothing?  Have you not put a hedge of protection around him and his household and everything he has?  You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.  But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."


So, here we have what seems/sounds like a literal debate, once again, all in the presence of the Creator of all things, in the Holy of Holy places...over one man's livelihood and wellbeing.  It is interesting to me what Satan is aware of..."have you not put"....  Satan sees the source of all that Job is and has.  He sees that there is a mighty hand of God's blessing and protection all around Job's life and family and wealth.  He sees that there is something surrounding Job of which he has no access.  Perhaps this is in part why Satan comes to God, makes a trip into His presence.  He sees a man of which he want's to bring down, the best of the best,....but has no access, and seeks out the source of that hedge ....but still, it is God who suggests Job to Satan.  Satan if fully aware of where the source of all good and perfect gifts comes from...and it is Satan's very threat to all his schemes...the reality that he knows he has not the full and final control, yet he continues to play the warfare of trying to win as many to himself as he can.  There is such a supernatural battle of which we see not, 90% of the time.  I also wonder, how desperate Satan had to be to even consider entering into the presence of God...and then it is God who throws the first question.  We don't even really hear Satan give us a reason as to why he is there, but only that he is roaming to and fro...implying he is desperately looking for the next victim.  So much so that he comes to talk with the ultimate King in the story, of which he knows, will win in the end.  


But, Satan stills plows forward with a challenge, a ultimatum if you will.  Verse 11- "but, stretch out Your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."  So we hear Satan basically throw out what he himself wants to do to Job...but it is God he asks to do so...not himself, but God strike Job.  (Pondering....)  Satan knows his limits...knows he has no power beyond that which is given him...and even more, he knows he has not full power nor authority ...but that only if God lifts that hedge off of Job, and God himself...afflict Job.  I can't even wrap my head around how much evil must be in a created being, to come before the very creator and ask for suffering such as Job endured to come against him....like do you really understand the depth of depravity and pride at work in Satan to have the '....' you know...to ask God to do such things?


Then....then....then....
Verse 12
"The Lord - said - to Satan; "Very well, then,..."  Ok stop right there...H-A-L-T....what did I just read?????  Um, how does one swallow that pill?  Very well then.....are you kidding me, that easily, like, uh, Ok, sure Satan, whatever you want....and God continues to say, "everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."  Did I just read God gave everything into the hand of Satan, but his life itself?  What is up with that, I ask?  So, what is up with that....


And then that verse ends by saying..."Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord".
I don't know about you, Christian or not, but to go out of the presence of the Lord with that much evil interchanged...that much conversation of how to destroy and attack ones life....I can't imagine personally going where Satan did, 'into the presence of the Lord with all the angels"....and leaving at all.  Let alone leaving with having had that conversation and agenda planned out.  Whew....could you imagine this story made into a Hollywood movie...bring it on Mel!  It would be quite a story to see, be it put into the right producer.


Maybe you are wondering, asking, pondering, considering, is this my life?  I think many of us would be surprised at the amount of attack and how much really does go on in the supernatural of our life.  What is happening that we cannot see.  That we really do have a foe, Satan, who is roaming to and fro looking for one, as a lion, to which he will devour.  But I think the harder question for many is the one that is most difficult to answer...
Why did God do this?  Why does God allow this?  What is up with all of this talk about, 'have you considered my servant Job'?  How often is this same conversation happening even now?  What are the reasons for God's response/questions?  


Perhaps, this is the very place some of us might begin to be drawn into a deep study of who God is and isn't.  Perhaps, this tugs at the strings of your own experiences and makes you cry out in anger at God....is this what happened to me?!!!  What kind of God does this anyway?  


I invite you to ponder, as you begin perhaps your own digging- into the life of Job.

Again

Verse 1:

You feel all alone.

Heart's dry as a bone.
And it keeps on breaking.
Jagged edges like glass.
Piercing deep from your past.
Dreams left for the taking.

Chorus:

You wonder why

Should tides turn back the time 

Such sad goodbyes, 

Longing to leave my

Sin behind-

Again...again....again

Verse: 2

Far too many roads.

Beckon for my soul.

They reach for the taking. 

Life can be very crass.

Seen only in my past.

While wounds cry out aching.

Chorus:

You wonder why,
Should tides turn back the time,

Such sad goodbyes.

Longing to leave my 

Sin behind-

Again, again, again

Bridge:

You see my condition.

Dark side to addiction.

Yet, still You come to me.

Embracing, Enfolding,

all Encompassing.

Healing even me....

Again, again, again...

Chorus:

You long this time,

Should you turn back the tide,

To say goodbye.

Move far away from 

Severed ties-

Again...again...again.

Dawn Shape
Embrace The Dance Publishing
Copyright 2011

Until It Rains

I haven't written again in so long.  It's been a hard way of trying to figure out my life as a Mom, and my life as Me.  Finding the time, without being so tired, having more to do than can be finished, before I am able to even pen the ocean of thoughts living inside me. 


I have found myself sitting silently while the same song washes over and over again.  Songs of worship mostly.  Lately, it seems that I hear a new song weekly that I just can't get enough of.  And, no matter how tired I am...it feels sad to have to turn it off.  I don't know many souls that love to sit and let the same song wash over their spirit over and over again.  My son, Seth, he does.  But then he is wired like me and so that is not a surprise - but a fresh wind of comfort.


There is a comfort when you find a song that you want to have washing over you and over you...  The kind of moment where you immediately put the settings on "loop song".  For me I think it's about intimacy.  Do you ever long to just know that you are fully known?  It's why I love worship.  I am brought into this intimate place with my creator.  The One Who created all of me.  Who looks at what He has created and proclaims, "You were fearfully and wonderfully made."  


I'm humbled at that truth.


I sit in a quiet stillness, while my soul is raging and yet frozen still before His presence.  And then it happens...the moment when my voice opens up, in harmony with my soul that is opening at that same moment, and I cry up with all abandon, and pour out- my song.  My voice.  My longings filled with all of who I am that so many never see.  But He sees, all the time.  


I am so captivated by how my heart and soul can be raging in passionate desire for longings so longing to be filled, and yet my soul can be paralyzed in a sacred holiness, filled with awe and wonder at His enormous and most beautiful exchange of love for me.  

And I am brought to tears when I see the wounds that long to be Healed in the midst of this presence.  


There is so much, regarding the issue of healing.  Not intended to be written about here...but couldn't ignore the direction this is going. 


I'm learning and finding a peace before His presence.  While welcoming my quiet- raging longings.  The paradox is of ones inevitable, inescapable reality of feeling as though the very seams of ones seemingly intense reality, is constant; while the very stillness that comes in the Holy presence of majesty, humbles and stills me in a quiet love that just paralyzes my very self to almost nothing--- but a voice and heart held vertical while at the same time, hung on nothing of myself, and hung on the reality of His death and resurrection.


I am struck by something of being in the presence of worship.  I never want to leave.  I never get enough.  I always want more.  I don't know many things in my life that have that powerful of a dynamic working all simultaneously. 


What is my point of writing tonight...I think just to get my thoughts out.  I am struggling with a lot of sadness and longing for things that are not in my reach or control.  Things that involve in some real ways, resignation.  A place for which I have walked all too often.  And so, I sit here listening to the song "Let It Rain" being sung by Jesus Culture and I just want to sit all night long and give myself permission to write and talk as though someone who really gets my soul, is listening.  


The truth is, He is always listening...If I could only just absorb that comfort fully.


I don't know what my life has ahead for it.  But, I hear the cry of this song, "Let it rain, Let it rain, open the floodgates of heaven, Let it rain...


I feel a kindred echoing from inside me that sings this with such intensity and abandon....that I'm waiting for that rain to just shower me, gush over me, consume and capture me into a place of unstoppable healing...


Let it rain, let it rain, open the floodgates of heaven...

I will keep singing.  I will keep longing ...for more of His rain.