http://grooveshark.com/#!/s/I+Surrender/4IknEk?src=5
Here I am
down on my knees again
surrendering all, surrendering all.
And find me here
Lord as you draw me near
I'm desperate for You, I'm desperate for You.
I surrender.
Drench my soul
as mercy and grace unfold
I hunger and thirst, I hunger and thirst.
With arms stretched wide
I know you hear my cry
Speak to me now, Speak to me now.
I surrender.
I surrender.
I want to know you more,
I want to know you more.
I surrender.
I surrender.
I want to know You more.
I want to know You more.
Like a rushing wind
Jesus breath within.
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way
in me.
Like a mighty storm,
stir within my soul,
Lord have your way
Lord have your way
in me.
I surrender. I surrender.
I want to know You more. I want to know You more.
"I Surrender"
Hillsong - Cornerstone
Though not outwardly seen or known, I wept when I first heard this song play. I was in the kitchen. I was in the midst of daily demands. My inward posture slowly lowered to the dust from which I came. Each line sung sanding itself against my sore, scared, and seared heart. Each refrain my heart was racing. Reaching, toward that moment when all around me would be as the night.
Quiet.
When the quiet finally came... it was many nights later.
I stared into the photo. I stared into the lyrics. I stared into the music. A field. A storm. A horizon. A tall grass of circumstances, reflecting a small portion of what is lying all around. Like debris, it is only a glimpse of what is happening. Emerging were several things, for me.
The deep black presses into her horizon. What follows her? What pursues her? What haunts her?
What keeps her face, forward?
Myself, I would be watching, looking, trembling even.
Maybe it's the gathering light of the horizon. Why is she not looking to the left, or to the right, or looking up to the gathering details of an encroaching darkness that seems eerily consumed with death?
Maybe she's been here, before.
It feels as though she is unmoved, by the gathering darkness, the pursuit of blackness. The obviously ominous, outstretched lowering of the clouds. How does one even keep such a gaze? Has she ever looked, anywhere else? When?
There is deep shadow. A seething and sinister darkness about to entirely overtake the hues, the horizon of hope. Will all memory of what looked to be so full and vibrant, be just a fading fragment of memory? Will she remain, standing? Will I remain, standing?
"Like a rushing wind, Jesus breath within. Lord have Your way, Lord have your way, in me.
Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul, Lord have Your way, Lord have your way in me."
I feel the fears and failure, of parenting. Insecurities and intricacy's of marriage, in the midst of parenting. Worries of where we might live, after the daunting reality of foreclosure pressing in closely, if not worse. Anxiety's of money, yet to be seen for rent. Depression of detoured dreams, unfulfilled.
And, there is the deeper storm, within.
Finding faith. Discovering doubt and deliverance. Penetrating impatience with a holy discontent. Seeing through selfishness. Sadness. Shame, swirling around me. Feeling pressed against a passing of time that has pushed itself into the crevices of chaos creating a cycle of dysfunction and disillusionment.
"Here I am
down on my knees again
surrendering all, surrendering all.
And find me here
Lord as you draw me near
I'm desperate for you, I'm desperate for you."
My posture is just that. On my knees. Crying out for Him to find, more of me. I'm not always ready, for Him. Or ready for the rushing wind to breath within. For when the winds come, I'm not always certain what they might do. Storm winds, can cause much to fall. Much, broken up and uprooted.
"Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul."
Acknowledging my own realm of darkness pursuing me, trying ever so relentlessly to surround me, is to admit sometimes more than I'd like. Am I ready to say,
"Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way, in me!"
As I have sat, listening over
and over
and over
and over to this precious song... I have often wondered, "How is it that I can listen to a song like that, over and over and over again?" What is it that happens in the crevices, of me?
I think it is found in these words...
"Drench my soul
as mercy and grace unfold
I hunger and thirst, I hunger and thirst.
With arms stretched wide,
I know you hear my cry
Speak to me now, speak to me now."
In a storm, we get drenched. Life's storms, do not come any other way but with a drenching. And, all at once many times. And too many times, we see the drenching of evil. But have we ever considered being drenched by Him, even in the storm?
Within me lies an unquenchable hunger and thirst. Hunger and thirst. Hunger and thirst.
Before I know it, I am literally on knees with my hands stretched out from side to side, rocking back and forth like a baby, tears streaming down my face longing and crying and pleading...
Hear my cry!
I know you hear my cry!
Speak! Speak to me, NOW!
I sing it over and over and over and over, because that is what the storm brings me. Not always right away, not always in a way that is 'right and proper', but in a muddy puddle of reality sitting on the shore's of the storm, raging around me, longing for something of Him to show me that the horizon, even if it is consumed by the encroaching darkness overhead, cannot consume You! Jesus!
For You have consumed all evil. At the Cross. At the Resurrection.
I think she has.
Storms, give a voice to my cry. And they give my cry, a voice.
When I hear that voice it is then I know, I've surrendered.
It's then I know, the rain has washed something of the storm away. And I'm ready to say, "Lord have Your way, in me."
And it's then I know why,
I listen over
and over
and over
and over again.
I want to know You more
I want to know You more...
I surrender.
