Until It Rains

I haven't written again in so long.  It's been a hard way of trying to figure out my life as a Mom, and my life as Me.  Finding the time, without being so tired, having more to do than can be finished, before I am able to even pen the ocean of thoughts living inside me. 


I have found myself sitting silently while the same song washes over and over again.  Songs of worship mostly.  Lately, it seems that I hear a new song weekly that I just can't get enough of.  And, no matter how tired I am...it feels sad to have to turn it off.  I don't know many souls that love to sit and let the same song wash over their spirit over and over again.  My son, Seth, he does.  But then he is wired like me and so that is not a surprise - but a fresh wind of comfort.


There is a comfort when you find a song that you want to have washing over you and over you...  The kind of moment where you immediately put the settings on "loop song".  For me I think it's about intimacy.  Do you ever long to just know that you are fully known?  It's why I love worship.  I am brought into this intimate place with my creator.  The One Who created all of me.  Who looks at what He has created and proclaims, "You were fearfully and wonderfully made."  


I'm humbled at that truth.


I sit in a quiet stillness, while my soul is raging and yet frozen still before His presence.  And then it happens...the moment when my voice opens up, in harmony with my soul that is opening at that same moment, and I cry up with all abandon, and pour out- my song.  My voice.  My longings filled with all of who I am that so many never see.  But He sees, all the time.  


I am so captivated by how my heart and soul can be raging in passionate desire for longings so longing to be filled, and yet my soul can be paralyzed in a sacred holiness, filled with awe and wonder at His enormous and most beautiful exchange of love for me.  

And I am brought to tears when I see the wounds that long to be Healed in the midst of this presence.  


There is so much, regarding the issue of healing.  Not intended to be written about here...but couldn't ignore the direction this is going. 


I'm learning and finding a peace before His presence.  While welcoming my quiet- raging longings.  The paradox is of ones inevitable, inescapable reality of feeling as though the very seams of ones seemingly intense reality, is constant; while the very stillness that comes in the Holy presence of majesty, humbles and stills me in a quiet love that just paralyzes my very self to almost nothing--- but a voice and heart held vertical while at the same time, hung on nothing of myself, and hung on the reality of His death and resurrection.


I am struck by something of being in the presence of worship.  I never want to leave.  I never get enough.  I always want more.  I don't know many things in my life that have that powerful of a dynamic working all simultaneously. 


What is my point of writing tonight...I think just to get my thoughts out.  I am struggling with a lot of sadness and longing for things that are not in my reach or control.  Things that involve in some real ways, resignation.  A place for which I have walked all too often.  And so, I sit here listening to the song "Let It Rain" being sung by Jesus Culture and I just want to sit all night long and give myself permission to write and talk as though someone who really gets my soul, is listening.  


The truth is, He is always listening...If I could only just absorb that comfort fully.


I don't know what my life has ahead for it.  But, I hear the cry of this song, "Let it rain, Let it rain, open the floodgates of heaven, Let it rain...


I feel a kindred echoing from inside me that sings this with such intensity and abandon....that I'm waiting for that rain to just shower me, gush over me, consume and capture me into a place of unstoppable healing...


Let it rain, let it rain, open the floodgates of heaven...

I will keep singing.  I will keep longing ...for more of His rain.