His Patient Pursuit

Every day for the past couple weeks I have woken in a place of tenderness and tears.  Jesus is doing a new thing in me, and sometimes, the depth of that is overwhelming.  Sort of a “meltdown” kind of overwhelming.  

As we walked through the sweets and spice isle today at the grocery store, my little guy also had a meltdown.  Seeing this I sat down on the cold white tiled floor, opened my arms wide as he cried while waiting for him to choose, my embrace.  His choices previous to this were part of what led to the meltdown… but this moment would go no further without him feeling once again, safe.

Meltdowns always make us feel a bit unsafe inside… don’t they?

As we sat behind the blue cart, right in front of the spices, other carts moving slowly down the aisle, I slowly rocked him back and forth, and began to quietly pray.  He cried… I wanted to cry… and almost did.  After about 15 minutes of holding and rocking, we were on our way.  Everything was just right again.

Until I went to pay for my groceries.  

“You are such a kind man to your customer’s,” I told the older Indian man who was full of welcoming cheer and kindness.  “Aw, you just made my day, honey.” he replied in a tone of joy and comfort.

While unloading my cart he was ringing up my items.  “I have a limit of (and I named an amount) to spend,” I told him.    As we continued on, he saw that I went over my limit, while still having one last item on the black belt.  An item I didn’t need today, but saved in case I had enough after everything else to get.  The kind man saw this.  He suddenly entered in a discounted code for a coupon that was exactly $5.00 off my total, bringing it just one dollar below my limit.  I had no coupon.  He just typed in some numbers, and suddenly it was five dollars less.    

I saw this.  He said nothing about it.  I said nothing, but in my heart I knew I would make sure I said something as I left, inconspicuously so that the previous customer didn’t pick up on what was just given to me, “in secret.”

Swiping my money card through the machine the total came back as owing a balance of $13.67.  I didn’t understand.  My money card only took so much of the total.  Why?  I suddenly panicked thinking, “Oh, no, I have spent all of what was in the account.  I can’t swipe it again as he suggested, that will put me in the negative.”  Being now in panic mode about not only do I not have the money in our account, not only is our account depleted, but now I have to rummage through these bags and put back thirteen some dollars back.  

“How much does she need?” said the woman who looked old enough to be my mother.  I immediately said, “Oh, no, that’s okay.. really, it’s okay.”

“How much does she need?” she asked again.  She then proceeded to hand the man $15.00.  I turned to her in tears and hugged her. “You must know Jesus,” I whispered through my tears.  

“Just enjoy it!” she replied.  “You have no idea the deep work He is doing in me, really… this is so incredible.”  I told her.  “Oh, enjoy it, and don’t make me cry.” as her eyes were outlined in water.  

The kind Indian man at this point is putting all those grocery’s in my cart and steps around my cart and reaches to give me a hug, and pulls me close and says…”It’s a beautiful day out there today, the sun is shining.  You go have yourself a wonderful day, it’s all gonna be okay!”  

I was weeping in this mans shoulder… I felt my tummy moving from the crying.  I was so loved in that moment.  

I had a meltdown.  And that woman and man, scooped their love around my heart right into theirs and loved on me.  Strangers… seeing something of a moment where the fragrance of life, the spices of such love, immediately fill a moment.  Others were watching, too, just like I’m sure they were in the aisle with Seth.  I didn’t care.

What I gave Seth in that moment, was given to me… one hundred fold.  Or so it felt.  

Now, you want to hear a secret?  The really amazing part that I have not yet shared.  Seth drew me a picture the other night, well for Daddy and Mommy and then decided he wanted to give it to Daddy.  Which was so sweet.  However, it was a picture of birds flying in the sky next to a big tree that looks to me like an Oak Tree.  If you know anything of my writing on this blog, you know that birds are one of the primary ways He, Jesus, has been getting my attention and speaking the past going on, 3 yrs. now.  

Do you know how many birds are in that picture, Seth drew?  FIVE!  Yes, Five!  Do you know what the number five means, Biblically?  

Grace!  Grace!  Grace!  Grace! Grace!

This was two days ago.  Do you know what the number two means?  Agreement!  Agreement!  

He used two people to agree to bless me with His grace today.  

He came and embraced me in a moment that was heading into a panic meltdown, but He redeemed it into a meltdown of receiving His grace.   

As I walked away from that moment, in my snow boots and tears melting down my face… I was overwhelmed by His love… His Fathering love… the very kind of love He has been slowly drawing near this little girls heart with.  

Last night, He showed me that He is sitting in front of me.  He is wanting to sit there as long as it takes for me, to make a choice.  He is sitting down on the cold white, tiled floor.  Where there is a little girl who has been in a dark corner for over three decades now.  She is scared… she is overwhelmed, and she is having a meltdown.  

But, He… is not afraid of her meltdown.  He is sitting there with His arms wide open, waiting for her to embrace His love for her.

And her to embrace the little girl she left behind.  

Today, … was a picture of, a glimpse of… that embrace.  In the color and faces of the unexpected.

I need to still respond to that invitation He is making to me… and it’s a process.   A process that I in part have run from.  

But, He is so sweet in that He won’t let His kids run to long… before He meets them somewhere along the road.  It will be many different faces, and packages, that He sends, before I trust Him again.  

And, when I do… I will too, need to confess my sin in that lie I believed.  That I couldn’t trust Him.  Even if it is on a cold white tiled floor.  Waiting for His deeply broken girl to choose, His healing embrace.