Wind Of Joy

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.  You will increase my honor and comfort me once again."  Psalm 71:20

 

"You number my wanderings; put my tears into your bottle; are they not in your book?" Psalm 56:8

 

"I am weary in groaning; all night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with tears." Psalm 6:6

 

"Hear my prayer O Lord; and give ear to my cry; do not be silent at my tears..."  Psalm 39:12

 

"My tears have been my food day and night..." Psalm 42:3

 

"Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy." Psalm 126:5 

 

"When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God..." Psalm 73:16-17

 

"You guide me with Your counsel and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire beside you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:24-26

 

 

I don't know what your story is.  I don't know what your trials are, your battles and burdens.  What you carry inside that no one else see's, unless they are discerning enough to see the pain behind your smile.  There is, however, no one who is without pain on some level.  Be it physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.  Pain on any level is its own - story. 

 

 

As I was reading the Psalms tonight, I found myself drawn to the many words that calculate the journey of such pain... as I listened to the words spoken here, I found my own storyline mingled in the pain.  And in that mingling, moved to share some of that story here.

 

 

Some battles, some wrestling matches, are easier to talk about than others.  I will be honest, this is one that is not easy for me.  See, first, I don't "wrestle with flesh and blood, but against principalities, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."  Ephesians 6:12


Therefore, it is not a person that I am wrestling with, nor is it about the person.  It is about what can be brought against me to disarm and disable me, on every level.  And some things just don't need to be entertained as to being worthy of a wrestling match.  That too, takes discernment.  But, there are moments when we are weak, and we are strong, or feel weak and believe we are weaker than we really are.  Moments that we are completely undone and in the undoing, we find ourselves nakedly sitting, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and maybe for some, physically.... and at times, for some all at one time. 

 

What do you do in that moment? 

 

Though a myriad of choices and responses one makes.... yes, at the end of the day... what are you feeling? 

 

For me, the other night, it was a night of feeling weary... so much so that all my ability to stay on the mat of life and enter into any further wrestling match was simply one of surrender.  I sat that night midst dim light on my desk so saturated with sorrow, that I could barely lift my normally able to voice in song that night.  But ... I did... barely.  And as I did, while listening to some worship music, I felt the sweet drawing close of Jesus presence through His Holy Spirit.  I could feel the tangible touch of His presence in my hands, a warmth and almost a tingling like feeling that just came with tremendous love. 

As I sat there... almost numb emotionally, and His presence washed upon my hands, I heard the sweet and sovereign whisper's of His Spirit's voice speak to me and say.... "go lay your hands on your son and pray..."   I had so little I felt to offer in that moment... but out of obedience and faith, I went.

 

 

In sweet slumber there he lay, as the worship was playing over Him.  And the song, "I'm praying for the Soulbreather, to breath on me."  (The Soulbreather being Jesus).  As I tenderly laid my hands upon his head and back, I felt the trembling as an earthquake begin to move my abdomen, as the tears pushed like a tsunami out of me.  And the kind of almost violent cry that was silently moving through me without a voice, but anyone looking onward would have seen the heaving movement of my abdomen bouncing up and down.  Then my face was washed wet with tears.  Then I began to pray in the gift of tongues, that He has so generously and lovingly given me.  (Acts 2; 1 Corinthians 12,14) 

 

I felt so weak, and so overcome with my tears and praying just came out of that pain... in that moment... it was easier for me too.  I didn't have to think of what to pray, I didn't have the words to pray... I had only my spirit through which He prayed through me. (Romans 8:26-27) 

 

 

I'm amazed in those moments,  how close to me He comes.  How much I know, He is right there with me.  When you get to know and understand how He never leaves you, nor forsakes you, (Deuteronomy 31:6) and really believe that... there is so much comfort in knowing that in our pain, He is there.

 

 

In that late hour of the night, weeping and waiting, praying and pressing through, I had no idea what impact if any, I was making.  But wait, that is just it... it's not me, nor is it ever about me.  See, it was not about what "I" was "doing," but rather it was about my obedience and surrender in that moment for me.  It was about letting my desperate need for Him to come and break through something that was far greater than myself, because again, I was not wrestling with flesh...with blood... but darkness. 

I could then come in all my brokenness to a Father and King and Beloved lover of my soul, and bring all of that pain and tears to Him... on behalf of what I was wrestling with.  Even though there was nothing of myself, apart from Him, that I could bring.  It was what I brought in Him through me, that He was able to use. 

 

The next day... there was a shift in something about my innermost being.  Something about Seth, too... that was full of something more... a peace and a calm that I felt, noticed in him.  It was distinct enough that, I couldn't say exactly what it was, but enough that I knew it was supernatural in origin. 

 

Beneath the uncertain sky's where the winds were blowing anxiously, we were walking along the road to go and pet some kitties at the house down the street. Suddenly in that beautiful prayer language I spoke of earlier, I was singing a song as though I had known it all my life, ... it was a long song, that just kept coming.  And though I know not what I sang of, I felt the peace of His Kingdom all over it.  I even caught Seth staring off as he pet the kitty, listening with this peace about him.  I felt something of Him, doing more of something in us. 

 

There is something beautiful and sacred, all our own between Him and us, when we enter into the sanctuary of God.  That sanctuary between you and Him... where the secret place becomes a sacred place.  And you encounter the living God of the universe in a way that is all for you. That though you feel troubles of many kinds surround you, and your tears become your food, there is a sanctuary of His Presence that is the One Thing that sustains and strengthens, satisfies and soaks a weary, drenched soul.  Allowing then your soul to align more and more with His Spirit. 

It is in those very moments He guides us, through our tears, through our pain, into the counsel of His Wisdom.  It comes in many ways... sometimes through nature, or a movie, or a phone call unexpected, maybe for you it is through a moment in the store watching something happen, or a commercial that brings tears, or His Holy Word, prayer, worship, song and art, depression or despair, joy and jubilation... so many ways we might encounter the counsel of His Spirit.  We must be looking, listening...

 

"Whom have I in heaven but you?

 

Earth has nothing I desire besides You.

 

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart-

 

and my portion forever.

 

Those who are far from you will perish...

 

But as for me, it is good to be near, You-

 

I have made You, the Sovereign Lord my refuge;

 

I will tell of all Your deeds."

 

Psalm 25-28