Miscarriage Of A Dream

I had started writing a book.

I shelved it for now.

Just read these words here, in a book I am reading;

"I needed him to confirm my worth."

The author goes on to say, "Gaps in my writing have never-- I mean never--- been a good sign."

As I paused in reading that, the question was asked within, "Is that what Your after... my worth?" 

I'm feeling the gap!

This journey about my worth...my need for worth--- started long ago.  Long before I knew that there was risk in loosing it.  The only need I was even remotely aware of... was wrapped up in being Daddy's little girl, and that made me worth something.  Everything! 

Until I realized, that I wasn't his little girl. 

I was his alibi.

So, back to the shelved book....

This past year my worth and where it is found has come to the forefront of my mind.  I thought too, it had come to the forefront of my heart. 

Was I wrong?

Maybe.

I thought this issue of worth met my heart, and I was off to a great start.  But, maybe it only skimmed the surface, blew the dust off the shelf of my heart...and didn't come to the forefront just yet... maybe it only broke through, or seeped through the fragments that it is made of... my heart.

Anyway... this is what He is after, ... this is what You are after in me, right?  My worth!

I'm still trying to find it in something of what I do... rather than in who I am in Your eyes.  I don't believe who I am in Your eyes yet, do I?  I have the journey of my head to my heart, still to go, don't I?  Understanding that I never lost worth in Your eyes... just others.

The shelved book...

feels like a miscarriage.

Feels like my worth has been shelved.

My dreams and longings, vision of my life, all of my life... feels like one big miscarriage shelved on the hopes of something more.

I surrender!  Again!  I wrote about surrender two times now!

Perhaps...

worth... I need to learn how to shelve my need for finding worth in what I do.  Shouldn't I have gotten this learned, already?

I mean I can tell anyone else about worth, how they should not seek to find it in their 'do'--- 

Why, is this so hard for me?

Ah... that's still unfolding, isn't it.  I could say something to that, I know I could.  I could write a lot about it, and sound like I have it figured out... but that certainly doesn't mean it's been healed!!!

Nope!

Not yet healed... emotionally anyway.  Still walking quite fragmented.

But this is where it is so hard--- I've come through so much and have gained so much in the coming through, just this past year.

I've come through so much and so, so, so much He has done in me!!!!!!

I've gained more freedom, gained more understanding and deliverance and healing....

just to feel as though I've lost again?

What?  What am I loosing...

Oh, that's right... I've lost already!  I'm not loosing, I'm dying.... yes, my friend helped me see that today.  I'm dying to myself.

Again!

I hate it!

It's like having a miscarriage emotionally for my heart... I'm loosing something of myself, and in the loss is a death.

A death of self.

So...

My posture has changed a bit....  because when something dies, something is gone.  An empty space resides where something else once lived.  I need to rest.  I need to rest in what I have learned this past year. 

I'm a daughter of a King--- and to stay behind bars will not be my fate. 

He is making all things new! 

And that means that some things, must go.  Must die. 

I heard Him whisper a verse to me today--- one I hadn't read ever.  They are always the best kind.  The ones you've not read but feel like He is speaking right to you. 

"For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land---a land with streams flowing in the valley's and hills."  Deuteronomy 8:7

While I know He also promised to make every valley lifted up, every mountain and hill made low, the uneven ground shall become level and the rough places a plain...(Isaiah 40: 3-4)

He is also promising my heart, where those valleys and hills reside...in jagged edges, water.  Streams.  Flowing.  His PRESENCE!!! 

That --- His Presence--- of all things I never want to loose, it's that.  And even when it feels I have... I am going through too, a time where feelings don't tell me the truth all the time.  So,... the more I rest in the truth of His Presence is with me where ever I go...  the more I will learn to rest, right???

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Help me Lord to rest well, even though my dreams feel shelved.












Quote from Katya Cole's book: Embracing My Father's Shadow

Finding The Shore

There are chores in our every day. Chores we want to do. Chores we don't want to do. Be it as a child or an adult, that dynamic never changes. What we hope changes is our approach to them.

 

Our attitude.

 

As a parent working alongside my son, chores we don't want to do, are met with currents of great resistance. My attitude in that moment, can steer the entire ship of our day. I can use my tongue to steer into waters wrought with waves of dread, or use my tongue to steer us into an attitude of worship.

  

When I move in the latter, the weight of the chore subsides, relinquishing the currents of resistance. A stillness in the water pulls back from those currents, stretching toward shores of beauty and wonder.

 

We begin to work from the shore of His presence, peace, and joy. In that working, He works the currents of our attitudes, into a current of His transforming grace stretching like the shores of sand, over our day.

 

It is then we can rest in whatever chore the day might deliver. Including adventure's unexpected, such as the exploration of seashells. For I'm certain that each one explored will offer something of His wonder "full," goodness.

 

And any chore that becomes full of wonder, full of His goodness, is a chore worth doing.