Then you realize, ...you've already been given such a word. You're not wondering so much that something is coming, or that a package is yet to be unwrapped. No! You're waiting--- for the birthing of such a promise. And in your waiting, just before that birth comes to fruition...you begin to feel the labor pains.
Like a rhythm shaker keeping time, my physical body is rocking, back and forth in a rhythmic motion of metered time, trying to manage the beat of emotions synchronized to such sorrowful weeping.
It's a quiet night around me. But inside, it is nothing like quiet. All kinds of unknowns and undone underpinnings of the roaring baseline of circumstance, thunders- trembles.
Sitting before my Father tonight as the worship songs play, I hear the roar of my heart screaming through my silence, languishing in lament for such a roar, to break open.
Yearning, to be set free.
Yet, like Niagara falls, tumultuous currents of a cringing anguish crashed within, looking for just the right chord, note, song, picture, word--- to rupture the dam of my soul.
And there it was.
I was wrecked beyond anything I saw coming. With a wonderful unforeseen weeping of groaning so deep, I was stunned by the avalanche of unexpected and unheard rumbling coming from afar, within me.
Mourning I thought, I had shed. I was that overcome!
This avalanche of emotion, continued, while the video painted a merging of breathtaking caverns, beauty broken out of a north face of mountainous, trial and tragedy. Tumultuous terrains so breathtakingly beautiful, until you realize what it took for those peaks and valleys to emerge. A force of elements that can only do one thing... rearrange everything, up heaving what was, into a masterpiece of true suffering. Even creation crys out! (Psalm 19:2, Luke 19:40)
Penetrating into places where once that has occurred, all that is left is, beauty.
And then you finally begin, to see.
Seeing like that...levels all such terrains of the heart.
You see that the very elements that must have forged against this terrain, are the very elements that gave the astounding gift of beauty, we behold. And that the God of the Universe, sees such elements from such a perspective, in our life. It's what He specializes in...making masterpieces.
This is the peril and tsunami of my soul. This night.
It is seven days till the 31st anniversary of my mother's seventeen bludgeoned blows of death, comes bludgeoning its memory through the torrential terrain of my soul. Into, depths I can't handle most times. A depth inside me that no human heart should be able, or have, to hold.
What do I mean? I mean ... My heart is of a canyons depth that seems to be more than appropriate for the human heart. A capacity and mountainous range of depths and heights...no one else I know, holds. But maybe, one.
While we just walked through the foreclosure and bankruptcy of our home, my heart has been walking into an inheritance of His increasing presence, all the while growing ever more full of faith and hope. Yet, I must admit along the way- while that fire of His Spirit has been filling me again, and again,...it has been filling the emptied places.
How are emptied places, made?
Like peaks pour forth their melting snow, the peaks in marriage, parenting, my past, have all been pouring forth melting pain. Forging through rocky, jagged edged pikes of sorrow, that tower over top my hope sometimes, until the fire of His presence burns off that peak of ice. And still while that process comes, only in His time...there is an unhearlded beauty that the season of snowcapped mountains, hold.
Unwieldy, then, come the waters --- a pounding roar like that of a lion, over cliffs of faith that echo off the canyon walls of hope that still stand tall, held within the foundation of His love.
What was it that ruptured the dam?
This video, was the gate through which the Holy Spirit came. I loved the song, already.
"Arms Wide Open," written by Misty Edwards. My google search led me to this video, I had not yet seen.
Why might have it happened, so unexpectedly?
So that what needed rendering, could be known.
It was a search of His, led by His Spirit, through my hands. He wanted to give me that, "prophetic word" I was looking for.
Why?
He wants me to know, who's I am.
He wants me to know, my worth.
My value.
Most importantly, He wants me to know who He is. My Daddy. Because, see, for 31 years, I didn't know my Daddy, my Abba. Not the way He wanted me to. That identity was silenced and stolen. It was a scary place for me - for three decades. Slowly, with great surgical care He has tenderly and intricately been removing each and every shard of metal, that flew from that bludgeoned weapon into, my heart. For each and every blow to her head, was a blow magnified each time decades over, to my very identity.
Now I know---
I am a Daughter of The King. And I know my fate.
It is with the Lion of Judah, on the front lines of a battle, that has already been won, but still wages a war. And this day...I will not loose courage!
I will fight!
I am His bride. There is a wedding coming, for me and Him. He is preparing me even now, to fit such a gown of His making.
He is my, Beloved. I, am His.
And, I am His delight, the apple of His eye. His little one, His fairest flower...a true daughter.
If you are reading this, and that first paragraph describes you, too...where you yearn for His gaze to capture and grip, yours... I want to invite you to watch this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTZUcXqym0Q
And as you do--- invite His Holy Spirit to speak to you through it.
That your spirit might melt into the beauty- of all you see, merging itself right into the beauty, of who you are.
That you may see the beautiful truth, of who you are.
That your arms, and heart might become- wide open- bleeding- with longing for a King, a Beloved, a Daddy, a Saviour, Comforter and Healer...
for He is all those things and more.
For He is a Lion that roars...for your heart.
Beautiful, Dawn.
ReplyDelete