As I was spending time with my Beloved Jesus tonight, I began to see a picture in my minds eye. A room. Furniture, tables, decor all around. It was a room from the past. Everything in that room represented something that, no longer fit my life. It wasn't that the things in themselves were necessarily wrong. Actually, many at one time were exactly what I needed in some way or another.
What He wanted to show me, though, was that where He has taken me, has changed that which I once kept around. What I once sat in, or set my heart upon, could no longer hold what it needed to, now. The level of comfort I once had in those things, was no longer being met. They were in fact... keeping me stuck in a false, comfort. Because what many of those things represented at one time, gave me comfort. They were no longer doing so.
The past couple years, much of that room has been emptied. As it has, it has also been stripped. The paint on the walls, too. I saw bricks, where cracks were within them, needing repaired. I saw the floors, the corners of them on each side of the room. Where dust and things had collected. Things that had not yet been swept clean.
Then, my Beloved invited me to come with Him and take a closer look, at the room. What was still needing done. It started with a very poignant phrase:
"You deserved better."
Those three words, wrecked me. I have been told that ...and when I was told that, it angered me. I thought, "who are you to tell me what I do and don't deserve?" I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I felt and I knew what I saw... and for you to tell me that I didn't deserve something, was not your right or your call.
But, you know what... 31+ yrs. later, they were right. There were blind spots in the rooms of my life then, that I could not see what really lie in the corners on the floor. Things that were secretly swept into hidden, inconspicuous places. Or, things that were beneath and behind the painted walls of hearts, and cracks streaming through the walls of the foundation of their soul.
Relationships I thought I wanted, needed... then. They were so sacred to me, then. And, over the years something of each of them, gave me both a petal and a thorn. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me...
not.
The scent of such a relationship, coming alongside the thorns they bring, washed my heart in memories and feelings, that got trapped into the soil of my heart. Those memories got covered over, year after year.
I watched a movie this past fall, "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower." In it was another line that, out of nowhere ruined me.
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
I got up and threw the towel I had in my hands, that now soaked the sobbing of tears that fell, upon hearing that line. I went to the computer and emailed a friend and asked, "Is that one of the gifts that this movie is giving me?"
"Absolutely," he replied.
"You deserved better," said another, friend.
Then, my Beloved took that phrase and connected it to the other...
"You accepted what you thought you deserved, Dawn, because, you didn't know you deserved better."
The past two years, my Beloved Jesus, has taken me into the rooms of my life, and done a clean sweep. And last night, we began to deal with what I deserve. What I did and didn't get. What He wants me to know.
We've only just begun this part of the room. And, I am confident that when we are done, I will have once more, grown. Out of the old soil, and into something refreshingly new. Because it is my Beloved, who has not only awakened me this past couple years, but has dressed me in a way I never felt, I deserved.
He is slowly convincing me, I do.
I am His Bride, after all. And everything He does... is pure and blameless. Spotless. Just like a room getting ready to have a reception dance, should be.
See, I think He is not just doing a thorough clean sweep, He is preparing a room. A room just for me and Him. Then, when that room is finally swept clean and ready... He is bringing in everything. Everything that represents who I am, in Him. A room so completely perfect, that when He walks me in... I will be humbled beyond anything I could fathom. I will be brought to tears, I am sure, when I see the dress He has seamlessly prepared for me. I will be utterly speechless when I see the, purposes of that dress. I will be utterly, ruined by His adoring and unfathomable love. Love for,
me.
I don't think many of us have even begun to --- tap dance into such a love, even. I don't think many of us, truly believe...
we deserve better.
Is that really, okay? That may be a prayer, a question, you yourself, ponder.
For me, growing up with second hand clothing, and wondering all the time if it was okay to "have" what I really, wanted...went with me in everything I did.
Until, He slowly began to awaken me to a place with Him, that showed me otherwise.
That I deserved to be fully loved, by Him.
That I deserved to be fully known, in Him.
I had to come to a desperate place in my life, to even begin to cry out for that. I had to come to a place where nothing in that room, from the past... was more important to me, than my cry, for Him.
Where everything in that room no longer fit the comfort shape, of my soul, as I needed it too. And running to them, kept me from running to Him.
Oh... wait, listen... can you hear it? Really, ... listen closely. Do you hear them?
Their wedding bells.
Um, I better get going, now. There are things yet for Him and I to, get done.
How about you? Will you join, me? Will you join, Him? He's waiting... with baited breath.
Just for you!
Remember...
you too, deserve better!
I just listened to this tonight. And, it speaks to that love relationship, that invitation to Him, the encounter with Him, as His daughter, as His bride. I promise it will move you. And, I hope and pray that you through it, will long to fall completely in love with, Him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbzUpByf1hE
