Longing met my desolate heart with a gush of quiet tears, this past New Years Eve, 2011. A thirst parched my soul's ocean depths with a resignation of no longer settling for the human condition of,
loneliness.
Seclusion.
Standing in the dark of the room, watching my precious little boy sleep while the world around me had it's coat of cordiality wrapping around it in the form of 'ringing in the New Year', I stood naked within. Nothing to show for the abandonment, that still taunted me. Ravaged by the remoteness of such a state for decades, greeted me unexpectedly. I simply could not breathe one more breath of such, brokenness. This expectation that my heart would be found-
in others.
I was invited to the surgery of, surrender. My need to find myself, my identity, my worth and value, in others.
When I found the courage to 'dare greatly' as Brene Brown calls it, a humble valor welled up within. The need to vulnerably voice my grave need to be known, moved slowly in a muddled step by step rhythm, towards the door of the room my husband was in. It was sometime shortly after, midnight.
"Honey," I mumbled in a low, barely intelligible tone after muddling my feet to the door while gently pushing it further open.
"I need to ask you to pray for me," I lamented in a whisper.
"Sure, what is it honey?" he asked calmly.
"If you think at all to pray for me this year, could you please pray for me to be "known". I really need to be "known" and I think that the only way I am going to really feel known, is if Jesus really meets me in such a way that I no longer have any other need to be known by another." I stated in tones of pure unworthiness.
"Sure," he replied gently.
And I walked, away.
Since that night, much has happened. People I would have never dreamed would be in my life, are. But, something else happened to.
I had gotten an email from a friend, ( one of those persons I referred to above, "never dreamed would be in my life," friends). In her email she had sent a video about the life of Scott Hamilton, the ice skater. As I watched, something deeply moved in me. It wasn't the pain and uncertainty of his journey with cancer. Nor his resolve to endure, well. It was something he said regarding his relationship with God. He was asked a question:
Nurse: Do you pray?
Scott: Yes
Nurse: Well, what do you say when you pray?
Scott: Well, I just thank God for all the blessings in my life.
Nurse: Do you ask Him for anything?
Scott: No. I just want Him to know I'm grateful, I'm grateful.
Nurse: Well, who is God to you?
Scott: Well, I guess He's my Father.
Nurse: Oh, oh, you're a father, right?
Scott: Yes.
Nurse: If one of your children were hurting, wouldn't you want him to come to you for comfort and strength?
Scott: Yes.
Scott: So, I change the way I pray now. I ask. I ask to heal, for strength, courage...
"I am Second"
Scott Hamilton Interview
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9ZcN_6wzp8
As I listened to him speak, and watch the tears well up in his eyes while he shared this, a pulse of pain palpitated within my soul. I heard the Holy Spirit say to me, 'Who am I to you?" As I thought in the midst of listening, my hearts beating pain was this; "I know you as Holy Spirit, my comforter, my power, my way of hearing all you are doing. I know you as Saviour, King, Deliverer, Healer, Rescuer, Protector, etc." But, He asked again. "Who am I to you?"
Tears.
And then the words were heard, by His Spirit to my heart.
"I want you to know me as Father".
Tears.
After that midnight moment at my dining room table, cradled by the warm glow of light next to me, I had a choice to make. To quietly sit and simply, be still. Or to find something else to do. I had no idea how to even relate to Him, as Father. I knew of Him as Father....theologically. But, to know him as His daughter... that was an unforged land for my soul. But, in that moment it was no longer a land that was unnoticed. He had found that piece of property buried deep amongst barren, broken, parched land and was offering me an invitation to join Him on a journey, only He could unfold.
I sat literally night after night still, quiet, looking at email, facebook, while worship washed over me. Many times intentionally I played the same song, over and over again. I couldn't hardly breathe without feeling the heaviness of burden, coming in and going out with each breath. I could hear so much, in a way that I had not seemed to hear it before. The comfort of the crickets. The rest of the rain. The whispers of the wind. The breath of the breeze. Soaking my senses while they ached, for awakening.
I was also facing many a precipice surrounding my personal life. Unknowns, out of my control within my circumstances. I desperately needed to see Him as, Father. Unhurriedly however, as I asked my questions of 'why'...'how'...'when'...circumstances only a Father could bring, began to fall upon me. People I had dreamed of decades ago, meeting, were now in, "my inbox". Through those people, my Father was speaking right into the calling's, gift's and vision's I have held as a child. They were now being, confirmed.
He was speaking to...
my worth.
My value.
I've lived much of my heart with this "picture" in mind:
"In a classroom of people, there I sit in the back. Unnoticed. Unseen. Waiting and hoping for the day it might be, my turn."
What you have to understand about that picture, is that I did not see myself as "good enough", "valuable enough", "qualified enough". That what I had to offer and give was not "worth" enough to be accepted as "good enough". I silently sat with hope saying to myself, "pick me, pick me, please pick me." But after so long of thinking that, saying that to yourself, and it not being you who "gets picked"....you forget to ask. Forget to raise your hand.
Why did I not forget, the call? The vision? How did I maintain any hope, at all? Maybe because I clung to a verse in Hebrews 11:27 ..."for he endured, as seeing Him who is unseen."
In this place of being still, quiet, I began to listen for more of how He wanted to "Father" me. I had been given some pretty profound gifts along this time, but I knew this was more than "giving gifts," to His daughter. I began to see how much as a Mommy, the value of helping my son see that he was more valuable to me than anything else, was a absolute. I wanted to show him, what that meant. In a moment while I was writing one evening, I began to realize that my Father was showing me through a movie I love, "The Lord Of The Rings", that my value is-
not in what I do, but in who's I am.
Who I belong to.
It is a moment in the theatrical version of "The Two Towers", where this question of who I am was, challenged. Eowyn is wielding her sword. Aragorn approaches and when she turns, he wields his sword against hers and says the following:
"What do you fear my lady?' asked Aragorn.
"A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire." replies Eowyn. "You are a daughter of kings, a sheildmaden of Rohan. I do not think that will be your fate." replies Aragorn.
For too long, I have lived struggling at this very core place, inside me. Who am I? With much in my past as it pertains to things that my father has done, I tremble at the very thought of uttering I am the daughter of 'this', or 'that'; by way of his hands.
I did not want my son growing up, finding his value in something, it's not found in.
Being a parent reveals, our brokenness to say the least. Like a never going away mirror, it illuminates some of our worst character. And, some of our best. Today, while I was cooking dinner, pondering and musing over the conversation I had just had with him about, his value, I felt my Father speak to my heart and say this.
"You can't impart a truth to your son, you don't first believe yourself. Do you know yet, how much I value you, Dawn? Do you know how much to Me you, are worth?" "Dawn, I love you...not for what you do, but for who you are. And you Dawn, are my daughter. I adore you."
Just before I heard this word in my heart, I had just gotten done explaining to Seth how to know if the enemy Satan, is trying to destroy your worth. And how to know when it is the Holy Spirit telling you about, your worth.
"Your worth is not in what you do, but in who you are. You are a son of The King, Seth!", I had just said to him, with passion.
New Year's Eve, 2012...I surrendered to be fully, known. Not by other's. But, by Jesus. However, He came and asked me a deeper question.
"Who is God to you?"
I said many things, but not once did I say He was -My- Father.
"Do you ask Him for anything?"
I asked Him to find me. To cause me to know and experience Him so fully, that I would have no other need to be known, by another.
"What do you fear, my lady?"
I used to fear, a cage. A place where my heart would be living for long years, behind bars of a brokenness so deep, than not one eye would be able to look, and then look again. A place where not even one, would be able to look and know just precisely, the profundity of how that place inside has been orphaned, abandoned, abused and raped emotionally, mentally, and was left disowned. That place where use and old age just accept them and the chance for valor has gone beyond recall and desire. That is what I feared. That what I was made for, who I am inside, will never hear the words, "It's now, your turn- my daughter."
"You can't impart a truth to your son, you don't first, believe yourself. Do you know yet how much I value you, Dawn?"
I think I am seeing a glimpse of it...
Every time I wipe the tears, from my son's eyes. Every time I see his choices, and I am challenged to how I am to parent those choices. Every time I hear him say, "please forgive me, Mommy". Every time I hear shame come from my mouth, rather than value. I feel the palpitating in my heart. Every time I say, "please forgive me, Seth".
Yes, I think I'm seeing a glimpse of it.
"Good. Because, I will not stop asking. I will not stop, showing. I will not stop, revealing. I will not stop, adoring you, my daughter. I will not stop showing you how much you are worth to me and how valued you are, by Me. Why... you ask? Because you're Mine. And, as for your fear of the cage...that will not be your fate." replied my Father. My King.
Yes, I think I'm seeing a glimpse of it...
It's not in what I do, but in who I am, that I find my value...my worth.
I'm, His daughter.
"Mommy, I need a hug." in his itty bitty longing voice, asked Seth. "Sure honey!" I replied.
