Muse - Part 2; Remembering the Rainbow

Psalm 77:4-9


"You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.  
I thought about the former days, 
       the years ago;
I remembered my songs in the 
       night.  
My heart mused and my spirit
       inquired:


"Will the Lord reject forever?  
    Will he never show his favor
       again?
Has his unfailing love vanished 
       forever?
    Has His promise failed for all 
       time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
   Has he in anger withheld His
       compassion?"                         Selah

Many of us know how it is to....loose sleep.  Many as well know...the kind of sleep that is lost due to the eyes being kept open.  It's them nights, that we find the most difficult to endure.  Personally for me it goes from one extreme to the other.  I have had seasons where all I wanted to do is sleep.  And sleep.  And sleep some more.  Then, there have been nights, where I've not been able to sleep.  On both sides, it's hard.  I love though how much the Psalm's speak with such a real experience of which we can easily relate.  "I was too troubled to speak".  Being troubled to the point of loosing sleep and being speechless.  It's a wrestling...a place of screaming silence in the midst of sometimes the loudest and longest laments of lingering adversity.  We spend them nights just agonizingly - going over and over, meditatively musing the events of which are catastrophically out of our control.  Looking for something...to reveal a window ...where we just might regain control.  

In such a night - I remember myself literally as the Psalmist writes, "remembering my songs in the night..."  I not only like to write meditatively, but also, poetry and lyrics.  I have a chest of lyrics laced around the legacy's left behind by my father.  Many of which were written in "the night'.  Songs have been sung over and over, while traveling miles on the road making trips from here to there...all while in the midst of such nights.  Songs that have carried me through the desolate desert of betrayal, murder, rape, addictions, socio-pathic behaviors, and the like.  Longing to become a rose...in a dry and barren land, I was.  As I would muse...the questions were easily found flowing freely from my fragile fragmented heart...and they sounded much like the Psalmist writes here.  Listen again...he holds nothing back- of the human hearts hungry; haunting cry for answers:
    
     "Will the Lord reject forever?  
        Will he never show his favor
                         again?
       Has His promise failed for all
                         time? 
       Has God forgotten to be merciful?

            Has He in anger withheld his compassion?"    Selah     


What are the themes in this pouring out; this posture and position of his heart?  
Rejection.
Loss of Favor.
Promises - Lost.
Forgotten.
Merciless.
Anger instead of Compassion.


I asked in the first part of this Muse....What kind of relationship does one have, with one who can ask and pose such statements?  I would say...a very intimate one.  Otherwise, where and what kind of relationship really contains such things- lost?  I adore the writing God has given in the Psalms...because it gives us both affirmation and permission to be fully authentic, fully transparent before our God.  Is that not the kind of relationship we are all longing for?  If we aren't...then we aren't going to find relationship fully alive!  




I can remember so very much all the desolation, I have come through.  I remember so many tears.  So many feelings.  So many memories.  We remember much...when we have been through.  Through and through; we have been, many of us.  We're not alone.  Not in the going through.  Not ever.  But, if we don't ask the questions, if we don't muse and meditate, if we don't as it said in the first verses I talk about from Psalm 77 of my writing; "Muse part 1",  - "Yell out to God....Cry out", and pour out our soul....but instead, let it stay inside- we'll find ourselves purging it out in some fragmented way or another.  And we never fully find we indeed are - not alone.  He is always with us.  But...

we won't always feel that way, or feel that we aren't.  WE WILL  feel alone.  To say otherwise, is to deny the truth.  Even Jesus Himself, felt abandoned by His Father, while taking upon Him the worst of all suffering of mankind ever.  The sins of all, once and for all.  HE not only felt it, but yelled it out from the depths of the most hellish experience anyone has ever endured; "My God!!!! MY GOD!!!! WHY!!! have you FORSAKEN ME????  


I'm pondering right now, a thought-....  Until we feel we have lost something or are missing something, might we not go looking for it?  Or, ask it this way; until we find ourselves, without something, will we recognize our need, the vacancy of what it is we don't have?  What does it take for us to have a need to- Remember?  What causes one to have any thought to Remember?  Why Remember?  What causes us the need to Remember?  

The knowledge of something; having been.


And so where does one begin to remember from?  How far back does one go; in remembering?  Well, I guess that would depend on, what it is you are trying to recall?  Or perhaps, why you are trying to remember.  


Are you good, at Remembering?





The Psalmist goes on after this pouring out,...and begins again to write about what he will do; 


Verse 10 - 12:
 ..."To this I will appeal:
 the Years of the right hand of the Most High. "
  "I will remember the deeds of the Lord...
    Your miracles of long ago...
           mediate on all your works, consider all your mighty deeds.  
Your ways are....Holy, ...great, ...miraculous...powerful...mighty...redemptive, ...."


and he writes more going on about the amazing and miraculous ways God delivers His people out of slavery and bondage from Egypt.  I encourage you to go and read the whole Psalm.  

I see often in the Psalms, the writer will pour out his soul...and all that it contains.  He will unveil the real struggle, the perspectives of his situation from his angle of agony.  Oh...how thankful I am for this.  It's the quote I love from Shadowlands, "We read to know we're not alone"; that resonates as I read the Psalms.  And what I love more than anything...in all the recounting and revealing of the reality of his soul, peril and all....the writer does this....he Remembers.  And it's in this remembering...that we are once again, seeing what we began to see in the beginning, differently.  It's that beautiful rainbow that comes after the storm...full of color and radiance that can only be seen after, but longed for, leaned upon, and lived within...in the remembering.


Dear Savior, of whom has suffered and agonized;
for me,


Thank you...for opening through your Holy Spirit;
 windows of pain- 
    the writer's of the Psalms; have given us.  


I love Lord, that many nights... 
these Psalms have not just spoken the tears of David and other's,
                       but have dripped with my tears; 
                          trailing through the tragic, 
threads of time.  


Oh Savior...how I have found comfort in these times. 
How I have been able to remember...
       "I read to know I am not ...alone".  But, Savior, ...


there are those times too, where the remembering has not come so easily. 


 Yes, I have remembered.  


But, not those threads of the story...
where You, held it all together for me. 


 Where the time lines of all that took place, 
            were tenderly tasseled 
in the torrents of Your Grace.  


Oh, how if I had not taken time to remember...
            I'd not have seen; just a glimpse; of such sovereign scenes.  Help me Savior,...


to remember more often, 
You too, felt-


 alone.  


Forsaken.  


Abandoned. 


 And in that truth alone, 
I can take the comfort of those words,

         as companions traveling alongside me.  

Thank you for the songs, in the night. 
                           And help me see beyond, the storms; 


that I might see more quickly...
                the rainbow of the miraculous-
    moving amongst...


the remembering.

"Can You Even Believe It!"

"Look Mommy, an Excavator, a Bulldozer, and a Backhoe, Mommy.  Can you even believe it Mommy!" stated Seth in a jubilant exaltation!  


My little boy is very much, all about Construction Trucks these days.  Every where we go, we are seeing them.  You know how it is when you get a new car, you suddenly see "your" car, everywhere.  


I was on my way to an appointment, alone.  Though not often do I go anywhere alone, when I do - it's a time of uninterrupted thought, reflection, and worship.  A time where; a deep breath- is good for the soul.  


I had been breathing in a deep breath of worship, playing a song on repeat by Mathew West called, "The Reason For The World".  It's an amazing song about just that, making sense of the things that happen in the world we live.  Leading us ultimately into a realization that, we long for Home.  Home being Heaven.  I was pondering how much I have longed for Heaven; decades now.  How tragedy's have a way of setting your perspectives on higher ground.  How just as quickly as the traffic raced past me, fading into my rear view mirror, so memories raced by my minds eye. However, I wish memories disappeared just as quickly.

Though the sky was that of a summer blue, the air outside was clearly not that of summer, but rather seeking permission for the arrival of winter, as it lay at the edge of it's coming.  Life...does not take such steps.  It does not slowly emerge.  It just comes.  It waits not- for you to gently ease into such things.  It simply ...arrives.  


As I considered the destination of which I was going to arrive at this morning, I began to notice many Construction Trucks all around me.  Echoing in my heart, "Can you even believe it Mommy!".  And in that quiet moment of reflection, I heard it again, only it wasn't my little boys voice I heard, but rather the voice of the Holy Spirit..."Can you even believe it, Dawn?  Look, ...that is what I say when I see the construction work of my children going on.  When I see the 'trucks' of life coming at them, the Excavator of eradication and all that hinders one from fully coming alive.  The Front End Loader coming to scoop away that which has been chisled, after the Bulldozer first did it's job of plowing out all that was destroying me.  Friendships that were unhealthy. The dirt of derailed and daunting decisions left behind.  The Crane Truck of which had the wrecking ball effects of poor discernment.  Can you even believe it, Dawn!  Because, what I see Dawn...is not the torn up Construction site, but rather the restored site.  The fully alive, breathing life site, that has come to it's fullest potential."


 And then, just as Seth asks; the Holy Spirit asks me, "See it Dawn, see it!"  Like my little boy, with longing- Jesus looks and asks, do you see it? Really see it?  


And then I felt the Holy Spirit ask, like when you buy that new car... do you see it everywhere?  Not just in your own life, but in the life of others too? Do you see the beauty of the construction in the lives around you?  Do you see beyond the trucks of tragic trauma, into the places where, foundations are laid, cemented in, like a Cement Truck pours cement,...firming up that which cannot be shaken?  Do you see... the way I am forming and making what seems like an excavation of enormous magnitude of the enemy's making, and taking what was stolen and giving it back, miraculously beyond what could or would have been before?  Do you see Dawn, how with great joy, delight and freedom, I AM?  That I too, am moving among this construction site of your life, with immeasurable longing, patience, pursuit, that none would perish, so that my healing, deliverance and redemptive restoration might fall forward to all who hear, see, listen...?  


Then He asks me,"Do you want to see more?  Be a player in the in the story of all that I am doing not just around you but through you as well?  I don't need you, true!  But oh...how I love to use my creation, to reveal all of who I AM!  Can you even believe it, Dawn?" 

As I sat there just about to get out of my car, having arrived to my destination, I mused a moment...what will I have to go through, before I arrive at my eternal destination?  Can I see it through the lens of; all I've been given in this short drive today?  Can I say it with the jubilation that Seth did?  See, the thing is...we don't always get the blueprints of what the site is being torn up for...what is being built.  Unless we look...eternally.  And it's this view...that I long for more of.


Dear Holy Spirit,


Wow...you really do know me don't you.  I did not expect such an intimate moment, on such a normal kind of day.  But, you don't see as I do.  You see perfectly, while I see...dimly.  You see what I can't see.  And yet; you invite me to come close,...you invite me to see, listen, hear, all that You are doing. You invite me to also, play a role...in the work that you are doing in others.  This is nothing less than humbling for me.


I have had some pretty major construction work going on for a long time now.  I'm humbled all the time, that you are continuing your promise, fulfilling it..."I will bring to completion, the good work which I begun".  Thank you. Thank you for Your patience with me. 

And Father, please draw near to ___________ who is going through a very intense excavating experience, as well.  Show me, how I can be used in that site.  Help me rightly usher in the privilege of what you want to do, to help them come fully alive through it.

I pray Holy Spirit, while in the midst of my own
construction; 

I would not be concerned with how long it will take,

or what I can't control,

or what I see as it's happening. 

But rather remember...every truck of transformation has a role to play.
Just as I have a role to play.  

When all the digging, pushing, scraping, and excavating is going on, I pray I would be enveloped by Your intimate presence.  And help me most, while standing in a world longing for home, 

to see the eternal.

So that I can say in response; "Can you even believe it!" and rest in all around me, coming fully alive. 

Muse - Part 1

Psalm 77:1-2


"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me."


When is the last time you cried...to God even, with your voice?  What did it feel like?  What does a crying of ones voice and tears intermingling, sound like?  Look like? I think of my little boy who is 4yrs. old, and what it looks like when he cries out from his place of pain, sadness...it's with abandon!  Who do you go to first when you feel that need?  Is it God?  


This speech pours forth great intention.  In the Amplified Bible it states it this way; "I will cry out..."; Intention that is unwavering.  Listen then to the faith he cry's out to God with; "He will give ear..."  


The Message version states it this way, "I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs.  He listens."


When is the last time we went to God even in our worst of moments, yelling out to Him, with such a conviction that we say, "He will give ear?"


What kind of relationship must one have with someone, to go crying, knowing the person WILL listen?  Do you have that kind of relationship with God?  Can you just go to Him and pour out of your soul, all that lives within?


V.2
"When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted."


When I read this my heart paused...
              "refused to be comforted".  


What?...what is this saying?  I thought this was the point in life where the deep need, in such a place, is to be at least; comforted.  


But, it quickly resonated within me- re-reading this part again; 


"When I was in distress".... 


this really resonates.


I right now feel personally a bit in distress, and I began pondering the times past, I've been distressed, and needing to seek the Lord.  Nights of circumstance that overwhelmed me.  "Untiring hands", reaching up as my only hope to the Heavens. As I turn that over in my mind a bit, I resonate with the idea that sometimes, distress can be so overtaking that; comfort does not come.  Or, sometimes the need is so overtaking, that I dare not tire reaching and stretching up in need to the creator of the universe, for fear that if I do tire; the desperateness of that need- wouldn't be met.  Haven't you ever been in that place, where you just can't risk not being heard by God? Met by God? Delivered from such a place; that you don't relinquish easily?


Until...
V3.  "I remembered..."


I want to stop right there.  How long has it been since you remembered?  Not the pain, the hurts, "the chasm of consequences, circumstances", but really remembered...?


"You O God,...."  When IS...the last time you remembered the God of whom you were pouring out all to?  What is it you remember, if you do stop to do so?  Is it all that you feel He has not done, failed to hear, failed to reveal...


Or is it His unsurpassed enormity of grandeur of which no man can contain?

"And I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint." Selah (this means to pause and think about that)


After the groan...he mused.  Muse: To meditate in silence, to turn something over in the mind meditatively, to wonder, marvel.  When is the last time we have done this?  Not groan, but muse before the Creator of the Universe?  Have we grown faint from such practice?  


I stop daily- several times a day at least; and just marvel at the handiwork's of creation. And I'm not even living in the majestic parts.  Central Ohio is certainly not...majestic by any means.  But it's captivating to me how at the edge of evening play; beneath the autumn ambiance of rustling leaves, scraped across the stretch of a western sky is a painted beauty above power lines and rooftops; that literally stop me in my tracks...utterly awed by the wonder of His creation.  And, I must honestly say...I'm just wired this way.  I can't help but find my gaze more often on the heights above, rather than on the mundane around me.  At least in my neighborhood. 


But before I breath my next breath, I'm challenged to take that awe dropping moment of beauty, and muse- at the possibility of such paintings midst my suffering. My distress. My pain.  I'm challenged to pause often.  Pondering at the wonder of His fingerprints; in the story line of my soul. My life. Just long enough- that my spirit might grow... 


faint.  


Will you pause with me?


Dear God,


It's been a long time for some, since they have cried.  It's been even longer since they have cried out; to You.  Some, the tears are seemingly, frozen.  For someone else, they won't stop.  For some...it's the only place they have found any hope.  And yet others, are still looking for hope.  God, please help those who need to cry...cry.  Help them feel your presence in the midst of the frozen tundra of the soul.  Melt away something of the fear that keeps them, unable to feel.  Lord, for the one who is raising untiring hands...refusing to be comforted, help them remember.  In their groaning's too deep for words, cause their spirit to marvel.  To turn over in it's sense of who You are, that before You, they might muse.  So that, they again might faint, at the beauty of who You are.

In The Hands of The King

"You have some skill with a blade." said Aragorn, drawing his sword as it met with hers.  "Women of this age learned long ago, to fear neither death nor life."  replied Eowyn.  "What do you fear my lady?", asked Aragorn.  "A cage.  To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire." replied Eowyn.  "You are a daughter of kings, a sheildmaiden of Rohan.  I do not think that will be your fate." replied Aragorn.  - The Lord of the Rings; The Two Towers


Have you ever resonated with something so profound, so deep, that it was hard to convey it to someone else in more words than what was already said?  As I sat in the theater, and heard these words...I immediately felt as though this exchange embodied the cavern of circumstance of which I was in. One of them moments where you know...this sword of truth is for you.  


When abandonment falls like an avalanche, it devastates a part of your being in such a way that brings a fragility.  Unknowingly almost, a large piece of who you were, is gone.  The piece that is left, carries a shield, protecting it from further wounding. Be it, swords of death, swords of illness, swords of trauma where the unspeakable of things occurred; you find yourself in a place of both vulnerability and hesitancy.  Eowyn, puts it in the picture of a cage.  To stay behind bars....


Bars of steel...maybe.  But, I think far more reaching in the magnitude of such a place, is the life lived behind bars such as, fear.  Loneliness.  Addiction.  Isolation.  Stifled dreams.  Sadness that is looming in the realm of utter despair.  Hopelessness.  Loss of any direction.  Dreams stolen.  Innocence stolen. Relationships; stolen, bludgeoned, ...demonically intoxicating.  Self-Hatred.  Hate.  Bars like these don't need a actual cage to make it truly a prison...  


For Eowyn, it was the road of abandonment, orphaned by the bloodiness of war...and many things that go with a heart of such experience.  Her Uncle who is a King cares for her, but regrets not having loved her as a father.  In an age where battle was the terrain, her duty of taking care of the women and children, was often the role given to her.  And she feels...something is missing.  Something within her, longs for more.  Something within her, beckons a role to play.  She longs with determined desire to find her calling for this life she is wanting to live.  Filled with passion to fight alongside her kin, she is willing to risk everything, while being met by fate - battle's need to be won, lives need to be saved, evil needs to be destroyed.  




Is it not the case, all great stories tell of something that finds within it, your story as well?  Don't all great stories, beckon a hero, reveal a wounded soul, midst a battle to be won?  Isn't it so that while watching such stories, we finally let out our breath, when that most pivotal moment ends in victory?  I would agree on all statements!  But, I would beg you to ponder, that without the lines of story in between - we would have no story to tell?


Many times, one feels that they have a story to tell, because of what happened to them.  I am learning; that I have a story to tell, because of what occurred between the lines of what happened.  The real story is not in the violation, the victimization, or all the enemy stole.  Rather....all the enemy could not hold back.  The Miraculous. The lines laced with silver, which when pressed between the lines of every story...bring forth- a revealing of gold.


What about you...have you pondered what good has come; the miraculous that is woven in the threads of your story?  


And, yet, I so very much understand if that place for you...is in the rawest of forms right now.  For a season, I was in a coma, where I had felt numb.  I was doing a strength training workout, while I heard the Holy Spirit speak a word to my heart.  "I'm here with you right now, and I'm not going anywhere."  Then, like a movie short, it played in my minds eye.  This is what it was I saw in my minds eye, like a movie clip onscreen.


A room.  Cold. Half lit on one half and dark on the other half.  Dim lights beneath the cabinets in the back of the room, where counter's were filled with a few supplies.  A bed in the front half of the room, where it was dark.  I was laying in the bed in a coma.  And Jesus, sitting in a chair next to me. And again, "I'm not going anywhere."  And the reality that, it was him sitting there rather than my earthly father.  And how my earthly father by what he'd done...was gone a long time ago.  


In that moment for me...that cold cold room of my heart, felt freed to be where I was; in a coma.  And the Father of my heart...came and sat with me.  Spoke to me, and assured me, 'I'm not going anywhere'.

Later in the movie Eowyn has another exchange with Aragorn.  


Listen:
  

Eowyn: My lord! Aragorn!


Eowyn hurries towards Aragorn


Eowyn: <displeased> I'm to be sent with the women into the caves.


Aragorn:  That is an honorable charge.  


Eowyn: To mind the children, to find food and bedding when the men return.  What renown is there in that?


Aragorn: My lady, a time may come for valor without renown.  Who then will your people look to in the last defense?


Maybe you have felt like this; after much battle in life.  Like the role you are left with, is a cage.  It stifles, steals, and leaves you feeling helpless to a much greater call you once thought your life held.  Where perhaps so many around you are all seemingly doing all they ever wanted... except for you.  You feel disqualified.  But Aragorn ask's a stunning and poignant question to Eowyn;

"My lady, a time may come for valor without renown.  Who then will your people look to in the last defense?"

Haven't we all longed for renown to some degree?  That there is a role that only you can play, and you've been replaced? Or that the role you are in, is not very attractive, boring. If you haven't yet, you will.  And so we become caught up then into thinking, nothing we have to offer is of any good, or value.  We begin to find our identity in what we are doing. Our fate; in what we accomplish.  We loose so much of our-self, exchanging the truth for a lie.  Believing a cage, will be our fate.  Believing that the 'smallness' of what we are doing holds nothing impacting for the bigger battle.  But oh...are we so wrong.    

While I heard this exchange between Aragorn and Eowyn,  I was deeply challenged.  Challenged as to what it is, I truly want to set my mind and heart on.  A lie....  Or the truth.  What do we hear Aragorn tell Eowyn the first time:


"you are a daughter of kings, a sheildmaiden of Rohan.  I do not think that will be your fate."


If someone asked, Who are you? what would your reply be?  Would you tell them the truth...or a lie?  


If you are a Daughter of- The King; Jesus Christ,...then what is your fate?  Look at these scriptures with me; and as you do insert your name, if you have The King living inside of you, and if not, then invite Him in that you might say this too then...


Eph. 1:13-14, 18


"...Dawn, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation...  Having believed, you Dawn, were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing your inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession to the praise of His glory. I pray also Dawn,that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you Dawn, may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints.  


John 14:1-3


"Do not let your heart be troubled, Dawn.  Trust in God, trust also in Me.  In My Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you.  I am going there Dawn, to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you Dawn, I will come back and take you Dawn, to be with me that you also may be where I am."


If you are a daughter or son of the Living God, Jesus Christ, then you have a very good ending in the battle of this life, called your story.  And you are part of a bigger story.  You have been given a 'soul tattoo', as a favorite musician of mine sings it...sealed for eternity! A very "unique to you" kind of room we are told, is being prepared as Jesus comforts his disciples, just before he will be leaving them.  He promises "if it were not so, I would have told you.  I am going- there- to... prepare...a...place...for....WHO????  YOU!


In the end...Eowyn, has a role far greater than anything she could have hoped for.  She was called into a battle, a victory, that cost her a grave sacrifice.  She as well, learned much before getting to that place, before that place met her.  She had renown.  She had valor.  And her cage was broken!  Her desire never waned...even though she feared it would.  


We must trust our story; to The King...who will reveal the role we each have to play in this story called; our life. It may at times feel we are caged by circumstance.  Bound behind bars, of battered emotions.  As though a foe much greater is holding us back.  It is in these times; we must heed the truth..."I do not think that will be your fate."


Our future is not; to live behind bars.  To live in a cage.  We will reign as warriors with The King; as Son's and Daughter's.

For we have a King who will never leave our side- through the coma; through the battle's; through the victory's.  We have a story to live.  We have a story to tell.  It is a role, that only you can play. And in between the days of such tragic threads, woven between waning and war, you must know; He is- behind the scenes.  That in the unseen, there is a working on our behalf, a battle being fought... so that all He has intended, might come to pass.


"Therefore, we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So, we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18
   
Dear Savior and King,

It's been a dark night. I did not expect my life story to go this way.  The lines - treacherous.  The losses- an avalanche of circumstance few have known. I too, have felt caged in at times, and I know that You have felt that way too, while suffering on the Cross.  Savior, who endured such a dark night...right now____________, is enduring a dark night.  They are living with___________ and it's brought them into their own coma.  They once felt they had a role in life.  They once felt alive.  And now, they are fighting for breath that gives them life.  Savior, come to them now, and be the breath they need and awaken them with hope.  Savior help us remember like in the great stories, we all have a role.  Help us remember too...you are the hero.  And that whatever happens in between the lines, You are sitting right there in the chair- by my bedside; when it appears the chair is empty.  I've never really realized, I too...long for renown, valor, and even more to not loose the desire for such things.  But remind me Lord, there may be that moment when valor without renown is required.  Help me Savior, to find valor in the dark.  Help me remember that, no role is too small, in your Kingdom.  No act of love, unnoticed.  No darkness, that you are not there.  And that as your daughter- - - my fate is in the hands of The King.  

A room all his own

After a warm playful bath time, we cozy'd into our jammy's and crawled into bed, snuggled closely together. I began to read from The Rhyme Bible my sister had just given me.  After reading most of the New Testament of Jesus life and miracles, I came to the end where Jesus tells the disciples He will send His Holy Spirit after He leaves them, where He then ascends into Heaven.  Just then a quiet sadness washed over Seth.  

As I closed the bible I heard his longing voice say, "Mommy, me".   What is it honey", I asked.  "His body", he replied tenderly.   "Did you want to see Jesus too?" I asked.  "Yes" he replied.  "Oh sweetheart, I so understand your longing to see Jesus face to face.  It's hard to not be able to see him like you see me isn't it honey", I replied.  Slivering my hands gently through his hair he turned himself on his side, making the sounds he makes when wanting to snuggle closely.  Wrapping my arm around him and pulling ourselves close as if in a cocoon, I said "you know what Seth?  Do you know where Jesus went when he left his disciples?  He went to Heaven.  

And you know what he is doing there for you?  He's making a very special room just for you!  What do you think Jesus might be putting in your very special room?"  I asked him.   "Toys", he replied curiously.  "Y-e-e-e-e-s", I replied slowly.  "But do you know what else I think Jesus is preparing in your room for you?...a great big waterfall, near a beautiful big lake with the most amazing colored rocks laying on the beach.  And, sitting right next to you on the beach are these really cool pails for you to fill up...as many as you want.  In that very moment Seth turned his head looking to me with abandoned longing and yearning, while the wonder and smile in his face slowly emerged.  It was as if he felt in that moment a deep unsurpassed sense of surprise, being truly known and held as incredibly special to Jesus.  He didn't say anymore, but turned his head into his pillow in a peaceful sense of calm and assurance.  He was known.

In the blink of his wonder, a whispering thought arose within me- "I'm preparing a room for you too Dawn". As I pondered that, tears began to fall.  I too, in that moment, felt not only did I impart a truth that Seth is known fully by his creator, but that I too am fully known.  I too will be found by Him fully one day, with surprise, wonder and a joy to deep for anything less than abandoned worship before His feet.  But as I considered all that I might say in that moment, sitting at the beach, sifting through rocks that take my breath away in their beauty...it takes my breath away even more, that He knows the deepest part of me, and that He himself created the very things that I love.  Water, Rocks, and all created beauty...and sees me yet, more beautiful. So much so, that He shed his bloody death on a cross for me.

In that moment I began to pray, inviting the Holy Spirit to come and fill the heart of Seth with a deep faith, hope and knowing that Jesus really does knows his heart, and loves him deeply.  That he would fill his dreams this night, with such hope and wonder....all while sitting on a very special beach, in a very special place, created just for him.  All on the shores made pure, in Heaven with Jesus, in a room all his own.

I feel my soul Awakening!

Chris Tomlin sings ...."Like the rising sun that shines, awake my soul, awake my soul and sing, Only You can raise a life, Awake my Soul and sing..."  I've been in love with this song and singing this song for months on end now....perhaps the prayer is springing forth it's fruit.

I'm beginning to sing from a place of Awakening...Dormancy is good for a season, for it renews, reveals, refines... but when new healing springs forth, His awakening cannot be held back...for only Jesus Christ can truly awaken every soul. What is God wanting to awaken in your soul?  Is it a place of comfort; or is it from a place where He has hidden you in the cleft of His leading and freedom?  Maybe it's a place you've never really been, fully? 


Sometimes the comfort we need is not one of human making, but rather of heaven's raining presence amidst a Kerith Ravine.  A place where a stripping and cutting away of broken places inside are being called forth.  Or like a peeler on the skin of an apple. Your ways of what you once knew are being peeled back, so that you are able to awaken into whom He has already seen you to be.  

Are you leaning into the wind of His Holy Spirit's leading?  Are you seeking discernment? Are you searching for what it looks like to walk in unwaivering obedience?  These are the questions I am asking myself? 


A stripping of control is at the root of this awakening.  A cutting away from the lies that, I'm responsible for others feelings, actions and choices, attitudes, values.  It's a hard place to be; when all you've been used to doing, begins this process of cutting.  Especially for a heart that loves to be involved in the healing process.  


But maybe it is just that, my season for healing.  Season for stepping into the right boundary's, so that what needs cutting is cut.  So that the soul in me longing to vibrantly move and sing and worship, in life, word and deed, can truly do so, all in a more healthy way.  

I'm learning real healing and change starts when I repent.  Changing from the way one once did things, to the way God says one should do things.  That's a cutting!  But, like a Pineapple, the outside is firm, hard, tough and very much like a pricker bush....just the wrong rub against your skin and it's going to hurt.  It's a pretty tough exterior!  But oh the sweetness of it's intended purpose inside, at it's core...divine!  But, to get to that core, a major cutting must occur.  There is no way around that!  So many times, people don't want the journey of that cutting.  They try and be what they claim to be on the inside, on the outside, all the while living differently.  Life then becomes a bloody mess, hidden behind outter layer's of hardened life experiences.  

Awakening...so much I could share on that word, but for now, I will let this be enough to ponder.  It has been for me. But as my little boy Seth would say....'one more thing mommy".....

Are you willing to go to the Kerith Ravine?

"Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah:  "Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan.  You will drink form the brook and I have ordered the ravens to feed you THERE.  So he did what the Lord had told him to do.  He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed THERE." 
 1 Kings 17:2-5